ご無沙汰しております

there are many possible reasons one fails to keep his friends and family updated on his life. he might lose an arm, leg, or frontal lobe, which would hinder communication. he might have been exiled to a small island for treason and human-trafficking. he might have even been swallowed into the yawning caverns of hell.

but, i, my friends, i have been neglecting communication with you all for even more dire reasons:
i forgot i had a blog.

yes, it may sound silly, but when you're a busy little guy like me, baring your soul on the internet seems a bit trivial when you have things like hair modeling to tend to. more on that later.

in light of my cruel internet absence, i have titled today's post "ご無沙汰しております” (gobusata shiteorimasu), which is one of the most bizarre japanese phrases these crazy folks over here have ever devised. it means "neglecting to write," "a long silence," or "a lack of contact" - "i'm sorry for not having contacted you." there are three kanji here: 無, 沙, and 汰. the first one means "none" and "nothingness." it's a negator. not an alligator. HAHAHAHAHAHA! gotcha. the second one means sand. the last one is "luxury." interestingly, the two components of the last kanji are water and fat. so, instead of complimenting your friend like this:
"well, jerome, that is one luxurious automobile!"
you should say,
"well, jerome, that is one fat water vehicle! might i have a banana?"

i added the last part because it's always safe - and wise - to ask people named jerome for bananas.
anyway, for some reason, these two put together: 沙汰 mean "affair." so basically, the 3 together mean "no affairs," which makes sense. literally translated, the whole thing means "i am humbly neglecting our affairs." you get it. so i've just given you a long explanation of my sincerest apology.

since i last wrote, three - exactly 3 - funny things have happened to me. i will share them with you now.

1. my big debut. i went back to okinawa for 10 days to visit aaron toussaint, my former co-workers, and former students at okisho high school. it was a good time. i didn't do many exciting things except for one: i made my japanese mass media debut. i served as a tentacle of the okisho PR behemoth, giving an interview about the good points of the school. the interview was entirely in japanese, so i may have said something really bad, but that's why they have editors. anyway, the funniest part came at the end. we were each asked to record a 7-second station identification clip. of course it was in japanese. they handed me a script and told me to deliver my best. so i started:
"上智大学のトムです。。。泡盛乾杯！"
then everyone started laughing. i was ready to go all anime ninja on their asses, but i restrained myself. "what's wrong?" i said.
"your pronunciation is too good," they said. "you sound like a japanese person pretending to be some foreigner named 'tom.' sorry. we're done laughing. continue."
so i learned that my pronunciation is good and that some people may have mistaken me for a japanese person masquerading as a foreigner. if this happens again, all i have to do is whip out this little gem and all misunderstandings will be made nil:

no japanese person would ever defile the almighty winnie the pooh by donning his sacred flesh as a headpiece. ever.

2. additions to the menu. at a tutoring session (with the heavy metal dude), the guy's father came into the room and said "i have a treat for you. please eat it." then he told me that he had brought pig's ear salad and the tongue of a duck. i thought i had misinterpreted the japanese, but i double checked and was right. still, always open to new things, i tried the fried tongue. it was good, but i could actually visualize the whole tongue and where it fit into the mouth and stuff and kind of got a little queasy. the pig ear was fine, just like eating the fatty part of bacon. that's the best part, anyway.

3. egyptian god. as you all know, i am a hair model. on the 26th of this month i have been asked to appear in a hair show that will be attended by roughly 800 people, including celebrities and maybe a television camera or two. the cameras will be accompanied by cameramen as well. well, i went to the rehearsal, and had sensei cut my hair and do it up all funky. by the way, this sensei is the 1992 world champion of hair. his scissors are made of the bones of his vanquished opponents and a radiant golden glow emanates from his hands wherever he goes.

anyway, after i got all dolled up, they told me i would go to the real rehearsal. "um, ok." so all 8 of us models went over to this basement hair headquarters-type thing. i was under the impression that for the show on the 26th i would just be sitting in a chair, looking pretty as usual. but when i walked into the evil hair laboratory, some aged woman handed me my "costume" and told me to strip and get into it. it was an egyptian robe, a violet skirt, and a necklace. i was very confused. but everyone got into their getup, and surrounded by oppressive peer pressure (so common in japan) i suited up too. then they had us all do "runway walking practice," which i apparently excelled at and had us do sample poses. poses for a hair show? yep, that means i pose with my head pointed down and my head facing backwards. i regret that i have no pictures. but i think i will have a visual record of the real deal next monday, so i will share that with you.

you can all call me "ramesses III, the phollicle pharaoh" from now on, by the way.

WORDDDD.
トム